imaginarycircus

Wow. My last semesester of grad school starts today. I'm floored. I worked myself so hard in the fall that all I could do after Christmas was stare at the tv and read occasionally all while curled up with Bertie who is the best cat I have I have ever had. I didn't write a word. I didn't do anything. I was sick with a stomach bug. I was fairly pathetic. And so I wasn't really feeling ready to face this last and final push. Also tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel ready to face 36. It sounds so old. And you know the problem is really that I feel old. I feel fat and out of shape and low energy.

pellucid don't read the next paragraph, please. You're too easily upset about feet.

And I can't seem to get my ingrown toenails fixed so that I can do any exercise without being in pain and also bleeding. Of course I should have gone back to the podiatrist two weeks ago. I'm a wuss. It hurts like hell. Please stab my toes repeatedly.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning knowing that I have class at 3:30. I made coffee and curled up on the sofa with my friendly kitten and watched the mind boggling Rachel Ray show, who as far as I can tell makes millions of dollars for being a spaz.

The kitten has been having the most foul, messy, horrible sick poos for weeks. We gave him medicine and took him to the vet. He did not get better. So we had to take a fresh poo in a zip lock baggie to the vet. He doesn't have parasites, or worms, just a horrible bacterial infection. Now I have to give him this horrible medicine that he hates. He runs all around and gags after I syringe it into his mouth. Then he foams and spits. The vet warned me about the foaming and that he would hate it. Poor little guy. He is friendly with me again about three minutes later but I feel so awful. I have to give him this horrid liquid twice a day for ten days and this is day two. And it isn't like I can explain it to him. I let him rip up a tissue afterwards because he likes that and normally we don't let him do that.

I was feeling pretty crappy and not at all ready to face the day, my new semester or my future. I got online and I checked my evaluations for last semester, which I have been avoiding because I was so exhausted and scared they would be bad. They were glowing and I cried because I worked so hard last semester, and I am a girl, and I have PMS. Is it wrong that I want to eat a pint of chocolate hagen daaz with pretzels for lunch? I'm not going to--but... And I was able to apply for a job on campus too. So I feel pretty good now. Even though I didn't write one word of my thesis over break, I don't have an elective sorted out so that I can graduate in May, I don't know what I will be doing after May, I don't know where we will live next year, or when we are moving, and I'm very anxious about this thesis/novel I have to write this spring--even though all that. At least I know David will be there to keep me from having a crack up.

I haven't posted here in ages, not really. I've missed you all. I just didn't have the resources to get online and interact with anyone. It really felt too hard to read the NY times most days.

Now if I can get a job and straighten out my elective mess I'll feel pretty good. I also have no idea what I want to do for my birthday. Dinner? Where? I can't think.